Diet Tea Other Cola Murder Pop Ringtone Emporium cassette
Every month when I get my cassettes to review, I scan the covers for something recognizable, either a band I already know or a release on one of a few labels that always puts out solid stuff. I then save those for the end of my review pile, as I often need a bit of a palate-cleanser after listening to some of the not-so-great releases coming out. XTRO has been one of those standout labels for me for a while now, always and consistently cranking out fun, synth-heavy egg-punk. Well, unfortunately they have really let me down with this one. What in the hell am I listening to? This has got to be the most confusing, nonsensical, unlistenable garbage I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through. I feel utterly betrayed. A lazier reviewer would have turned it off after the first godforsaken track, but this glutton for punishment is pushing through trying to find even a single positive thing to say about this horrible fever dream of a cassette. Twenty-six tracks. Over an hour long. Overstimulating hyperpop vomit spewing like a firehose strapped to my skull. A soundtrack seemingly written to accompany some modern, unfunny meme that I also don’t understand. Look, I get it, I’m in my forties, I’m sure this review will have me labeled as some old punk who “doesn’t get it,” but holy hell, the replay value of this is completely non-existent. I am halfway through and have begun fantasizing about self-immolation to escape the obligation of flipping the cassette. The hands of time are cruel. Oh analog gods, I implore you, feed your hunger, take a little nibble, eat this cassette mid-play and free me, free me from this auditory hellscape! I have always believed that there is beauty in simplicity when it comes to music. Well, this surely isn’t beautiful. Words cannot express how much I truly and utterly disliked listening to this cassette. Apparently this recording was released digitally in 2020, and XTRO just reissued it on cassette. Normally the label makes only 25 copies of their releases, but they did twice their normal run for this. All 50 have already sold out. Well, I’ve got a copy here if some moron who hates music wants it, otherwise it’s getting placed under one of my kitchen table legs to even out the wobble, or dubbed over. Horrid. Just horrid.